Sometimes I think that I am doing myself a disservice: I tend to lean towards the positive because that is the better way to be, but sometimes I feel that I don’t let others see how hard this can be for me at times.
I have never said this was easy. I am a Project Healthy Body coach, I am also an active client (suddenly this feels like a hair club for men commercial) – I have been since 2017. I also actively work with a therapist who specializes in addictions and cognitive behavioral therapy. I don’t keep these things a secret. I never have, but I don’t know if others see how I struggle.
In the beginning of this journey I was dedicated, vigilant, and completely focused on losing weight and becoming a healthy person. My persistence paid off. I lost the weight. Great! Now what? Well, the following year I didn’t gain any weight back, but I was so lost as a human. Who was I? Who did I want to be? Part of me wanted to throw my hands in the air and forget this healthy person stuff! Part of me wanted to quit; part of me didn’t. It was a struggle like I’ve never known, and to this day I thank the universe that I didn’t quit the program or myself.
Instead, I doubled down on my health. I signed up as a student at the Institute for Integrative Nutrition (IIN) to become a certified holistic health coach. I also got a therapist – a GOOD one; one who is smarter than me to help me with the emotional work that I needed to do. Lastly, I made a personal commitment to a lifelong engagement in my health and well-being. I will say that again for the cheap seats in the back….
I made a personal commitment to a lifelong engagement in my health and well-being
So, yes, I still struggle. Yes it still can be hard and painful work sometimes. Because guess what? I don’t like feeling vulnerable. I don’t like being wrong. And I don’t deal well with change, loss of control, or expectations! I am a rebel, after-all. What I do like is that I am learning how to deal with vulnerability, being wrong, change, loss of control, and expectations without using food to numb, comfort, avoid, placate, celebrate, or punish myself.
There are days that I am struggling and I log on to the PHB network and something that someone has shared gives me the push to go do something good for myself, or to have more compassion for my journey. I also find tips and hacks that I use to make my life easier. And there are beautiful, courageous stories shared that remind me what a gift this precious life is.
On the days that I don’t log into the network, or connect with others, or stay engaged in my health, things start to slide. And when they start to slide, it invites doubt, fear, and my negative roommate back in. When they do creep back in, I have to work hard to get back on track. I have to log in, or walk out the door, or call a lifeline – because I am not in a place where I can do this on my own. The truth is, l may never be! Not only am I ok with needing my community – I prefer it! I want to be able to connect with women who have been where I’ve been and know what I know. I don’t want to be alone in this. Every time I pull away it’s because my shit is getting the better of me. Conversely, every time I reach out, I feel better and I can get back on my bike and start peddling.
I wanted to write this to let everyone see a bit more of me; my authentic self; the one I am so in love with but still working on improving. To show that yes, it can be done. You can lose the weight and keep it off. But I also wanted to be crystal clear that it didn’t/doesn’t come easy for me and that I have to stay engaged every day for the rest of my life. Which is fine with me. I also wanted to write this to say thank you. Thank you all for sharing your authentic selves so that I can too.